Dreams
by LoveToTheCucumber
Summary: Sousuke's dreams always seem to end up shattered one way or another. Oneshot.


**Dreams**

He walked up the stone stairs, taking two steps at a time, crossed the red wooden bridge and stopped by a bench that was somewhat hidden behind overgrown bushes and trees. It was an old bench, but even though it was beautifully and immaculately restored once a year, most people had a strong tendency to choose some of the more modern ones that was found in various places around the park. Sousuke preferred the one that was covered by pink petals during spring, succulent leaves in the summer, twigs and litter during autumn and finally, a good amount of snow at the end of the year. He brushed away a few leaves with one hand and sat down, taking in the view of the rest of the park. It was early in the morning so school kids were still cutting corners to school through there. Some passed him with long determined strides while others came in chatting groups of two or three, all glowing with a naive, vigorous youth he knew all too well.

It was funny how his goals in life had changed so many times during his earlier years compared to how little they had changed in his adult life. Obviously, it made sense that a short bean sprout was not ready to commit himself to any lifelong choices. But still.

Back then, his first goal in life had been to swim his way to the top. He wanted nothing more than to swim competitively, win trophies, show everyone how far he could take it.

How amazing he was and how amazing he could become.

But those dreams were shattered in high school as his shoulder started acting up. Sometime after 10th grade, he decided to quit swimming, and for a while, he was restless.

Until Rin returned from Australia.

A new goal manifested in his heart. He was determined to help Rin become the best of the best. But, of course, that was not enough for him. He wanted to be there with him, right there in the same lane, swimming. And for a while, it seemed he had finally found his call.

He was on top of the world for the second time in his life, being so focused on his goal that he ignored the returning pain in his shoulder, continuing to the point where his dreams were once again crushed – this time for good. One surgery and 8 weeks of wearing a collar-and-cuff sling later, the doctor told him he would have to stop chasing his dream of swimming professionally for good. With proper training, he could easily get a normal life, only his shoulder would be a bit stiffer than usual. It was a poor consolation, but he told people it was okay, he had already somehow achieved his dream - while in all actuality, he was far from doing just that. Besides, achieving ones dream did not equal eternal joy and comfort, more like that restlessness he feared so much – at least he believed so. Another goal had to be set and completed. Well, maybe he would at least have felt some kind of closure if he had indeed ended just one of his dreams in a positive way. But that was not the case.

And so he started searching for a knew goal, never wishing to go back to that gray zone where the light at the end of the tunnel was turned off, making it pitch black. And luckily, it did not take him long to find what he was looking for since it turned out he was standing right next to him... Rin.

He realized even if he could not stand by the redhead's side at the internationals, he still wanted the captain to succeed. He wanted to watch him become the best. Turned out watching him from the sideline as a cheering friend was not enough. He still wanted more. Wanted to be even closer and experience everything Rin went through as the person closest to him.

Rin was still certain of his goal. It had been the same goal throughout his entire life and he never wavered from it, doing everything in his power to make his dream come true. Sousuke admired him for that, seeing that it was something he had never been able to do himself; to hold onto a dream with an unbreakable grip. Observing the redhead do what he was best at brought a joy to his ungratified soul like no other thing in the world was capable of doing. He was hungry for more, but for a long while, he was afraid to admit it – to himself as well as Rin.

The day came where Sousuke got to sit alone in the locker room with his best friend. He had debated internally quite a lot the past weeks whether or not he should confess verbally like some of the shy school girls had done to him in high school or if he should just go for it like he imagined most people did outside Japan. Maybe Rin liked it best that way. He had stayed in Australia for quite some time, after all. But sitting there next to Rin, having finally decided the time was now, he concluded that it would be disrespectful to make a rush of it. So he swallowed an uncomfortably large ball of doubt that choked him from the inside of his throat... and he came clean.

The captain did not understand at first. He merely thought Sousuke was having a sentimental moment where he felt he needed to tell Rin just how much he meant to him as a friend. Sousuke wished to clarify his speech, but the phantom hand around his neck tightened its grip, enabling him to force out another word. So he settled with looking at Rin with a stare more serious than he imagined it had ever been before. And he really had not felt more serious in his entire life, apart from when telling that Haruka guy to stay away from their common friend so he could focus on his goal. Okay, that had probably been more out of jealousy than concern. Sure, the annoying raven-haired swimmer had his ways of confusing Rin and making him lose focus, but he knew Rin. He could handle himself. There was no way a childish dream of swimming together with his friends forever and ever would make him lose track for too long. Nostalgia was Rin's weak spot indeed, but he usually overcame the urge to act against all logic.

Sousuke's intense stare spoke for itself and it eventually became clear to Rin just what his tall friend had meant by those words. Sousuke would never have said anything if it was not for the mixed signals Rin had sent him throughout the last year. He was not sure if he was just misinterpreting things, but he would rather take his chances than sit around, regretting never saying anything until the end of his days.

It appeared he had indeed misunderstood Rin's friendly gestures as Rin explained he saw him only as a friend and nothing more, apologizing and using the excuse that he was not interested in men in general as if that would make his rejection hurt less.

Another dream turned blurry and vanished right before his own eyes.

Things only got worse when Rin started ignoring him, though the red-head pretended he did not, making excuses, claiming he was busy. But Sousuke was well aware of why he avoided him. His confession involved more than just one admission and it seemed his friend could not accept at least one of those facts.

And so Sousuke left for university, not having anywhere else to go. Dreams long gone, him only doing what he was supposed to. Having no expectations to his _istay/i_ there whatsoever, he was taken by surprise when it turned out this was where he would find his second "muse." A muse that would soon become his number one. His new dream.

This person who brought him hope of a more pleasant existence was someone he had come across a few times during his year at the Samezuka Academy. In the beginning, there was little prospect of them getting to know each other as more than just two strangers, crossing each other's paths yet again. A complete coincidence – at least that was what Sousuke considered it at first. But little by little, he realized it was something bigger than a mere coincidence that had brought them back together.

It was faith – something he believed in whenever it was convenient.

He started investing a lot of time in this person who was known as Tachibana Makoto. Always keeping an eye out for him, trying to reach him in his own awkward ways. But the more he tried, the further away he seemed to push the gentle being. Always saying or doing the wrong things. It made him lose faith in this new dream of his. Perhaps it was not meant to be after all.

But then something changed.

Sousuke dropped his guard, letting the olive-haired man get to really know him. As they opened up to each other, they realized they were more alike than either of them originally thought, and that was when the puzzle pieces slowly started finding their place in the big jigsaw of life.

Everything seemed perfect.

Until now.

An old man walked by the bench, but paused when seeing Sousuke's slumped over figure.

"Young man, are you alright?"

He looked up, immediately smiling at the elder geezer. "Yeah, I'm alright."

Repositioning his cane, the man turned to look at him properly. His straight, gray beard nearly reached his chest and there was a few thick hairs from his eyebrows that rested on the rim of his glasses.

The man took a good look at him, putting on a heartwarming smile. "Haven't I seen you before?"

Sousuke shrugged. "Maybe. I come here a lot."

"I see," he nodded understandingly, both of them directing their gazes towards the people wandering the park. "It's getting late, isn't it? Is there a pretty woman waiting for you at home?"

The raven-haired did not say anything, only looked down at his shoes until he felt a hand landing on his shoulder.

"It's okay, boy. Everything will come together eventually. It always does... Well, I should get going too." The wrinkly hand left his shoulder and the man humped away on his cane. Sousuke was not sure what the old man was burbling about, but in his confusion, he looked down at his watch. It was indeed time for him to head home.

And so he got up, making his way to his shared apartment, hands in his pockets, head hanging low.

Makoto was home already and he greeted him the second he set foot inside the kitchen, pressing his cheek against the other's while making sure their bodies did not touch anymore than necessary.

"Sorry, I'm all dirty," he apologized with a wide smile. "How was work?"

Sousuke put on a small smile that did not nearly reach his eyes. "It was fine."

"I'll go take a shower. Will you get started on dinner? I'll come help in a minute when I'm clean." A loving laughter tickled Sousuke's eardrums as the other disappeared into the bathroom.

And he had been right. The shower did not take him much longer than a minute. Sousuke barely got the rice cooker going before a less sooty Makoto appeared back in the kitchen, clean clothes on and hair still moist.

"I'll take over if you want a shower too. I bet you're all sweaty from work."

They made eye contact. Makoto giggled playfully when Sousuke placed a fleeting kiss on the side of his head before going to get cleaned up as well.

He took his time undressing, turning on the water as soon as he got inside the cabin. His legs gave in and his body plopped down onto the floor, his back leaning against the wall. There was no way he could keep this act up much longer. He wanted to tell the truth. He truly did. But every time those trustful eyes met his own, his tongue tied a knot on itself. How could he tell Makoto he had failed him? That his dreams had yet again been shattered.

Lifting his head from his palms, he got up and dried himself off, running a hand over the misted mirror to stare into the eyes he hated so much.

Makoto put down the phone almost the same second Sousuke entered the living room, a cloud of steam following him on his way out. The raven-haired smiled at his love, quickly, before going to the cupboard to find tableware.

"It was your office."

Sousuke's hand convulsed, resulting in him accidentally dropping a plate that fell to the floor, shattering into three uneven pieces. He stood for a moment, just looking at the mess he had made. Then he finally crouched down to pick them up, doing his best not to glance up when Makoto approached with light steps.

"Sousuke?" he asked quietly, putting a hand on his boyfriend's back.

The raven-haired looked the other way, fearing his breathing would grow shallower than it already had.

"When did this happen?"

He stayed silent for a moment, but felt obligated to at least glance at the patiently awaiting man next to him. "3 weeks ago."

A small gasp escaped Makoto's lips as Sousuke straightened his back, throwing the sharp porcelain pieces into the trash.

"3 weeks?.. W-why didn't you tell me? Where have you been all this time!?"

Sousuke rubbed his forehead, shaking his head lightly. "Does it matter?"

Makoto grabbed his arm when he tried to walk away, forcing him to face him. "Of course it does!" His eyes gleamed with concern so Sousuke did not dare to look at him directly, frantically looking for something else he could pay attention to. "Why wouldn't you tell me this?

Silence

"Sousuke, say something!"

"I was embarrassed, okay?!" His gaze dropped to the wooden floor. The pained looked on his face must have surprised Makoto as he backed a little, waiting a moment before speaking up again.

"But... why?"

He did not answer.

"Sousuke, why?"

The tears welled up in his eyes. He felt like trash for having lied for so long. He had been able to keep his unreliable shoulder a secret from the police force right until the day his partner had put all his trust in Sousuke and it ended in a failed mission and two injured officers. All because of him.

"How long were you planning on keeping this from me?"

"I don't know... I don't know. J-ust..." He fought back the tears with all of his might. "Can't we just eat?"

When he saw the look on his boyfriend's face and the slightly shorter man touched him as if he was made of glass, he brought a hand to his face, hiding the tears that trickled down from the corners of his eyes. Why did he have to comfort him?

"Hey, calm down," Makoto whispered, voice filled with care. "It's okay. Relax." He wrapped his arms around Sousuke and it did not take long for the other to respond, hands clinging to the fabric on his back, him sobbing into the crook of Makoto's neck as his world came crashing down.

The olive-haired patted his head, running the other hand up and down his trembling figure.

"I'm so sorry, Makoto... I'm re-ally sorry. I failed you."

"What are you talking about? You didn't fail me. It's not your fault, okay?"

"How am I supposed to ta-ke care of you no-ow? No one wants a handicapped worker. I'll ne-ver get a job. I don't know what to do." He mumbled too fast into Makoto's skin.

"You don't have to take care of me. We take care of each other. Don't worry. I'll look for another job. We'll make it work. You don't have to worry about anything. Just calm down."

"I don't want you working two jobs. I should be able to take care of you. A-all I want is for you to be happy."

That was his dream.

Makoto loosened his embrace, catching Sousuke's gaze with his own. "Come." He guided the raven-haired to the couch where he asked him to lie down and he placed Sousuke's head in his lap.

How could he have overlooked this? How could he not have noticed the misery behind that false smile his lover had worn for at least three weeks? He wanted to beat himself for being so caught up in his own life – his own happiness. He could only imagine how hard it must have been for him to hide it. How big of a burden it was on his fragile shoulders.

Taking Sousuke's hand into his own, he gave it a small squeeze as he started caressing his hair with his free hand. He let Sousuke have his cry out until he was finally able to talk to him properly. Tell him that his happiness depended on how Sousuke felt. Not trivial things like if he was able to support them financially or not. At least to Makoto that was a trivial matter.

The olive-haired went to bed feeling scared that night. When Sousuke got up after midnight to use the bathroom, he lay staring into space, being in two minds if he should go check on him or not. He did not feel at rest until the other lay next to him again.

He had never seen Sousuke like that. Broken. Like he had given up on trying.

He fought the tears that begged to be set free. Now, it was his time to be strong – for the both of them. He wanted to be the pillar Sousuke could lean on when things like these happened. And with that in mind, he crawled closer to his lover, pulling him towards him until their skin pressed against each other, burying his nose in dark locks and whispering reassuring words until his boyfriend nuzzled up beside him.

Makoto was not sure how to handle this new situation. But he was certain of one thing. He would not give up until Sousuke was able to smile the same way he had done it when they first got together at the university. That smile that set a million butterflies free in his stomach the second it reached its peak, the corners of his mouth nearly reaching from ear to ear.

The first couple of days were the hardest. Sousuke was depressed, did not say much, did eat much, did not do much. The olive-haired was almost afraid to speak to him, fearing that bringing up certain subjects would cause his lover to break down again. So he decided to give him a break. For 3 months, he did not ask anything of Sousuke. Only let him do whatever he felt like. Makoto himself was able to find a second job – one he could handle from the comfort of his own home. He would not want to to leave Sousuke alone for too long at a time. This second job did not pay all that much, but it was enough to get Sousuke back into rehabilitation when Makoto convinced him it was for the best. And even though he was stressed and loaded with work, he managed to take a few massaging classes. Sousuke thought it was a waste of money, but Makoto knew that deep down, the raven-haired appreciated the gesture. And certainly, he did not mind Makoto giving his shoulder a good rub whenever he had overdone his training.

And the classes had been a nice break from reality.

It was five months after Sousuke had been fired that Makoto stumbled upon a certain job advertisement. He felt very excited when telling Sousuke about this job and he was positive that he could put in a good word for him, seeing that he had worked as a substitute there himself in the past before he got into the firefighting business.

Sousuke was not very keen on the idea, but he felt guilty for having sat around, doing nothing for so long. Makoto had bore the brunt without a single complaint. The least he could do was try, he thought to himself.

So the next morning, they went to the kindergarten to apply for the job in person. It was not a full time job so it was perfect for Sousuke. He would not overwork his shoulder or his still wobbly psyche. They were happy to discover that it was mostly the same staff as when Makoto had been there, and boy, were they happy to see his sunny face? Even though Sousuke lacked experience when it came to taking care of children, Makoto was able to convince them that he would do his very best to live up to their expectations and that he was up for the challenge one hundred percent – adding that he was good with children though they both knew Makoto has absolutely no idea if that was true or not. It amazed Sousuke how he was able to get the job without really saying much doing the entire interview and he reckoned they must have been quite fond of his boyfriend and his kind soul.

Maybe achieving your dreams was not something you had to do on your own?

From that day forward, Sousuke was back in the game. He worked his hardest to make sure Makoto's efforts at the interview had not been in vain. He had let him down for the last time, he promised himself. The roller coaster they had been on ever since he got fired was something the raven-haired strove to never experience again. For his sake and for Makoto's.

Surprisingly enough, Sousuke got used to his new job pretty quickly. He had never taken any particular interest in children nor had he had anything to do with them prior to this, but there was something about him that seemed to attract these little monsters, and before he knew it, he was the busiest teacher of them all. The constant center of attention.

The kids took a liking to him pretty much immediately after his first day. At first, he figured it had to be because he was the only male teacher around so not only was he one of a kind to them, but he was also new meat. Someone they could manipulate – or at least he imagined that was what they believed. He was sure they would cool down after a week or two. But, unfortunately, that was not the case and eventually, he had to draw that conclusion. There was always one or two girls dogging his steps and a bunch of boys would tug on his clothes until he nearly tumbled over whenever he thought he could finally take a break.

He was a patient man. Very patient even, but he had his limits and after it had gone on for over a month, he was not sure if he could do it anymore. But when he noticed how hard Makoto was still working to keep everything together, he told himself that this was not an obstacle he could not overcome. So he embraced it. Embraced the love that was so graciously given to him. A love that had never found way to his former workplace. And he grew to love how he had to wipe away trails of snot from the kids' chubby faces ever so often, how they tugged and pulled at him until he agreed to play with them, how he could not sit down for even a second without having at least one kid bouncing up and down on each of his knees.

Makoto noted the change in Sousuke's daily routine. He no longer needed those extra 10 minutes when the alarm clock went off. He suddenly went to bed together with the olive-haired instead of watching TV for a few more hours. Food was usually ready and the table was set when Makoto came home from work. But more importantly, the smile had returned to his eyes.

So one night, when they had just crawled into bed and Makoto's eyes were only just visible above the cover, he was not surprised when Sousuke asked, "Do you ever think about... having kids?"

He put on a small smile, examining the blue irises he adored so much. "I don't know. Maybe. Do you?"

Shrugging, the curve on Sousuke's lips grew shy. "Not until now."

"Well," Makoto started, playing with the other's hair. "You know, it's not gonna be easy for someone like us to adopt."

"I know. But it's possible if we do it outside Japan. The cost doesn't matter."

He could not help but chuckle lightly. "I still think we should wait till we have a steady income. Or else we have to get creative whenever we run out of diapers."

"You have a point." Sousuke leaned forward, pulling down the fabric that was hiding his lover's sweet lips and he kissed them, not drawing back until he felt the other smirking against his skin.

"I do love a man with a plan, though," Makoto whispered.

"I don't need another plan. I already have one." He kissed him again.

"Mmm... And what is that?"

Sousuke let his head drop back down onto the pillow so he could stare into a pair of eyes that were searching his face for answers. "To make you happy."

Giggling, Makoto slid his fingers behind Sousuke's neck and caressed his ear with his thumb. "What does it feel like to achieve your dream everyday, over and over again?"

He took a second to think, leaning into the gentle touch as a sincere smile appeared on his face. "Wonderful."

* * *

**A/N: **

**Okay, so I tried to take up some subjects that - to my knowledge - are serious problems in Japan.  
Work means a lot to the Japanese - getting a well-paid and prestigious job is what they've been working for their entire youth, after all. And boy, do they work hard to get there! The suicide rate in Japan is enormous and it seems unemployment could be a big part of the results. I once read about a Japanese man who got fired from his job and he just walked around for months - I think? - without telling anyone, pretending like everything was normal simply 'cause he was too embarrassed to tell his wife. I also read about several who committed suicide 'cause they simply couldn't live with the shame of being fired.  
So these are some of the things Sousuke is struggling with in this fic and I tried to imply that Makoto was afraid that Sousuke was gonna kill himself after he had found out about him losing his job, but I'm not sure if I made that clear enough xD? It was only a small hint in one paragraph.  
I also somewhat covered homosexual adoption for Japanese couples, but it was only a tiiiny part of this so I only scratched the surface.**

**Actually, I'm thinking about making both a prequel and a sequel to this. A prequel showing how they became partners in uni and a sequel showing them as parents. I'm not sure if I'm gonna do it, though.  
\- By the way, this is totally how I imagine it would look like if they were a canon pairing. Them getting together in college, Sousuke having been hopelessly in love with Rin, etc.. There's a lot more to my head canon, but I won't say anything since it's gonna be a part of the prequel and sequel I might write.**


End file.
